WEEK 4:COMPASSION
1. A short 3 minute video on empathy from Brene Brown
2. A 90 second Thai commercial on disconnecting from technology to be present and compassionate
A Devotional on Compassion by Skye Jethani (skyejethani.com/with-god-daily)
The Lord’s Maternal Love:
Pregnancy literally changes a woman’s brain. Neurological research reported in The Atlantic explains how a flood of chemicals during and after pregnancy increases activity in parts of the brain regulating what researchers call maternal motivation. “In other words, those maternal feelings of overwhelming love, fierce protectiveness and constant worry begin with reactions in the brain.”
One of the researchers, Pilyoung Kim, said, “Mothers actually report very high levels of patterns of thinking about things they cannot control. They’re constantly thinking about the baby. Is the baby healthy? Sick? Full?” The scientists found that these feelings occur because pregnancy causes parts of the brain regulating empathy to grow. This explains, said Kim, why “in animals and humans during the postpartum period, there’s enormous desire to take care of their own child.” Some would argue this goes far beyond the postpartum period. As Priscille Sibley said, “Mothers always worry. There’s no off switch.”
The biological root of a mother’s powerful love helps explain a Hebrew word in Exodus 34:5-7. YHWH is described as “merciful” or in some translations “compassionate.” The word in Hebrew comes from the root word rehem, meaning “womb.” The ancient Israelites had no better way of describing God’s compassion than to look at a mother’s love. Here in Exodus, however, it isn’t the people describing God’s love with maternal language. The Lord links himself to the intense, visceral feelings a mother has for her newborn child. He is declaring his constant concern for his children and vows to fiercely protect them. And we already know from his response to their captivity in Egypt, when they cry out or experience pain he aches as well. He is moved to act.
God’s paternalism is important and a frequent theme in Scripture, but we must not ignore the maternal characteristics of God either. Genesis is clear that both the man and woman were created in God’s image, which means qualities we associate with femininity are no less divine than those our culture considers masculine. And sometimes those categories breakdown altogether—like when a mother’s compassion drives her to ferociously protect her child. We know from Scripture and our own experience there are times when compassion can be violent, and times when justice can be gentle.
Relevant SCRIPTURE
Exodus 34:5-9; Isaiah 49:14-16; Matthew 23:37
PRAYER
From Johann Arndt (1555 - 1621)
Gracious and gentle and condescending God, God of peace, Father of mercy, God of all comfort; see, I lament before you the evil of my heart; I acknowledge that I am too much disposed to anger, jealousy, and revenge, to ambition and pride, with often give rise to discord and bitter feelings between me and others. Too often in this way I have offended and grieved you, my long-suffering Father, as well as my neighbors. Oh! forgive me this sin, and allow me to share in the blessings which you have promised to the peacemakers, who shall be called the children of God. Amen.
Journal about this:
How could you create a little more WE in your marriage?
Can you spot the empathy?
In the examples below, notice the differences and spot the empathy:
- When your spouse has had a hard day
- “Tomorrow will be better, at least we have the weekend and it’ll be fine”
- “Ugh, that sounds like a tough day. I’m sorry babe.”
- “Don’t worry, your boss has always been a bit weird”
- For those moments of insecurity when your spouse says “I’m just not sure you love me right now.”
- “Stop making a big deal out of nothing. I’m still here aren’t I?”
- “Wow, I hear that you don’t feel like I love you right now, that can’t feel good at all! Let me assure you I want you to feel loved by me.”
- “Um, well we have been fighting a lot, but I’m sure we will figure it out, I’m always looking out for you aren’t I.”
- When your spouse is sick, saying “I’m just not sure I’m up to it, I ache and I’m tired.”
- “You’ll bounce right back. Lie down and get some rest, we have that game tonight to get to. Besides, I’ve never seen you be slowed down”
- “I’m sorry your feeling achy and tired, it is hard to feel like you just haven’t got it. Let me know what you need today.”
- “So... you mean I have to go to the game myself? I guess I can do that, but you’ll have to let me know the details and pick up times.”
Which response sound most familiar for you?
Which response would you want to hear?
By the way, all the empathy is in answers B.
Where is Yoda right? How could this change your marriage?
A short exercise:
Sit with your eyes closed for 3 minutes. Imagine your spouse’s world -- the challenges they are facing, the people and tasks, their struggles and worries, the hopes they have for the day. What is it like place yourself in their shoes? What do you feel? Pray for your spouse’s challenges, worries and hopes.
Give yourself a Hug!
Really, give yourself a hug. A researcher (Neff, 2011) found that we respond to hugs really well. Our bodies relax, we calm down and feel reassured. Often we don’t experience the kindness and compassion we need, but we can do something about it with a hug.
Go ahead:
Gently wrap your arms around yourself now and just sit with the sensation for a couple of minutes.
Notice:
Notice how it feels to be held and have your body start to relax.
Practice:
Give the gift of a hug today, or maybe even two. As appropriate, provide a similar hug to a loved one, a friend, or maybe even a colleague. Notice who might need it and share the compassion you have shown to yourself.
Consider what you see. Rabbit? Duck? When it comes to people we have to look close, listen in, and let them tell us what is really there.
What’s coming next: Noticing and Judging Exercise
All of us seem to live our lives on automatic most of the time. Try this exercise:
Step 1:
Whatever you have coming up next in your day, just sit and notice it, the details, the generals, your experience of it, your thoughts, your feelings. Just let all of these things float up inside of you as your notice that thing that is coming next.
Step 2:
What pleasant and unpleasant things did you feel?
What are you expecting from the thing coming up that may not actually occur? Especially, if you had different expectations?
What judgments are you holding?
Step 3:
Release your judgment and accept the feelings you have. See how it changes your experience.
Step 4:
Apply the same to your spouse today.
An Exercise
Consider one thing that you do or participate in that gets in the way of connecting with your partner, one thing you could disconnect today in order to engender a greater connection. Spend the day disconnecting from it.
Emotions are merely proximity detectors meant to communicate something about the state of someone’s heart. Empathy is a way of “catching” the cue, of feeling with the person and getting closer to their experience of the world. Empathy means to feel with, not merely to feel for. When we feel with, we activate neurons in our brain that mirror the neurons in the other person’s. Our brains connect.
To practice this, take a few minutes with your partner to do this exercise:
Take turns sitting before your partner and sharing for two minutes something (unrelated to your relationship) that has made you feel angry over the past week. Perhaps it’s a frustration you’ve had with work or with a friend. When you are in the listening role, feel the frustration or anger in your spouse’s description. Resist the urge to fix or change their feelings. Just listen (which is difficult for many of us!). Then take it a step further and validate the feeling. Tell them their frustration makes sense. “That would make me angry too!” After two minutes of sharing, switch roles: the sharing partner becomes the listener and visa-versa. At the end of the exercise, discuss what it was like to feel your partner offer understanding and validation of your frustration. What did it do to your feelings of frustration -- increase, decrease, nothing? Anger is a way our hearts say, “Hey! This doesn’t feel good and I need you to come into the experience with me!” Once we are able to do so, anger tends to diminish. It’s done its job and isn’t needed anymore.
1. A sermon on the Biblical understanding of the family relationship, John Mark Comer of Bridgetown Church in Portland talks about relationships as the healing agent through which God brings us to healing, focused on the family of God primarily.
2.A 19-minute podcast on scientific research on compassion in relationships generally
3. Bill Johnson at Bethel church, sermon on Isaiah 35 as an example of compassion
4. Kings Crossing Church series on spiritual discipline interviewing John Swinson on compassion, especially for those with disabilities
Artwork about Empathy
Empathy, Anna and Elena Balbusso
Just a Little Dose of Compassion, Fabio Napoleoni
Destined to Assist, Lauren Skurla
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