1. Read and Journal about Grace by Jim Sells PhD
We will start our conversation with one another talking about the grand idea of grace.
Consider these images:
Is it any wonder that there can be no resolution between the two? Both are not in a position to receive any message offered by the other. If one were to say, “Oh, Yeah? Well I have a million dollars that I would like to give to you!...” The reply would probably—“all your checks bounce!” When we are in a defensive, self protective posture…there is no good to come of it.
But…Think of grace—in marriage and in life. It puts us in a position to receive goodness. First from God. Then from our spouses and from others.
Previously, we alluded to John Newton, author of Amazing Grace. There is more to his story and his understanding of Grace. He was blind toward the end of his life. Newton heard the text I Cor. 15:10: "By the grace of God — I am what I am."
Poetry and wisdom roll off his tongue. He said:
I am not what I ought to be. Ah! how imperfect and deficient.
I am not what I might be, considering my privileges and opportunities.
I am not what I wish to be. God, who knows my heart — knows I wish to be like Him.
I am not what I hope to be. I will soon drop this clay tabernacle, to be like Him and see Him as He is!
Yet, I am not what I once was — a child of sin, and slave of the devil!
Though not all these — not what I ought to be, not what I might be, not what I wish or hope to be, and not what I once was — I think I can truly say with the apostle, "By the grace of God — I am what I am!"
At the age of 82, Newton said, "My memory is nearly gone, but I remember two things: that I am a great sinner — and that Christ is a great Savior!"
John Newton's tombstone reads: "John Newton, once an infidel and libertine, a servant of slaves in Africa, was, by the rich mercy of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, preserved, restored, pardoned, and appointed to preach the faith he had long labored to destroy!"
Think about the power of the phrase on his epitaph: “by the rich mercy of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, preserved, restored, pardoned, and appointed to preach the faith he had long labored to destroy”
A gift from God turned the angry man into restored, pardoned and appointed man. He could have rejected it. Instead he allowed it to have its effect…lost but now found. Blind but now seeing.
Grace can have the same effect—or we can permit Grace to have the same effect in marriage—if we permit it.
"By the grace of God I am what I am!" 1 Corinthians 15:10
Think about those phrases in relationship to you and God:
I am not what I ought to be. Ah! how imperfect and deficient.
I am not what I might be, considering my privileges and opportunities.
I am not what I wish to be. God, who knows my heart — knows I wish to be like Him.
I am not what I hope to be. I will drop this clay tabernacle, to be like Him and see Him as He is!
Yet, I am not what I once was — a child of sin, and slave of the devil!
Now talk about these ideas in relationship to one another…Keep the focus on you, and journal your answers
I am not what I ought to be. . . In what way?
I am not what I might be. . . What might you be?
I am not what I wish to be. . . What do you wish to become?
I am not what I hope to be. . . What is your hope
Yet, I am not what I once was. . . From where have you come?
2. Devotional on YHWH’s gracious nature by Skye Jethani . (https://skyejethani.com/with-god-daily/)
When the Lord proclaimed his name and character to Moses on Mount Sinai he began, “YHWH, YHWH, compassionate and gracious…” (Exodus 34:5). We’ve already explored how the Hebrew word for compassion is deeply emotional and affectionate. Derived from the word meaning “womb,” it’s connected to the tenderness a parent feels for her child. Now let’s turn our attention to YHWH’s graciousness and how this quality relates to his compassion.
Unfortunately, many of us have a truncated understanding of grace. The word is
popularly used among Christians as a synonym for forgiveness as in, “I was
speeding but the police officer showed me grace.” Similarly, when we call
someone gracious we usually mean not judgmental or legalistic as in,
“Unlike the Pharisees, Jesus was gracious.” This understanding of grace is not
wrong, but it is dreadfully incomplete as it sees grace merely through a narrow
legal lens.
When we hear God declare that he is “compassionate and gracious,” our abbreviated
understanding of grace causes us to interpret this as a statement of God’s
forgiveness toward our sins. God is certainly forgiving, and we will explore
that aspect of his character in the coming days, but we must not reduce
“compassionate and gracious” to just forgiveness of sins. The Lord is
proclaiming much, much more.
Dallas Willard offers his helpful correction to our vision of grace: “Grace is
not just about forgiveness — if we had never sinned we would still need
grace! Grace is God acting in our life to do what we cannot do on our own.
Grace is what we live by and the human system won’t work without it. The saint
uses grace like a 747 jet burns gas on takeoff!”
The Hebrew word for “gracious” used in Exodus 34 is hanun. It is an action
word and it compliments and contrasts with “compassionate” which is a feeling
word. Compassionate is how YHWH feels toward us; gracious is how
YHWH acts toward us. Willard’s definition captures the
action-orientation of grace. Again, the love of a parent for her child
illustrates this well. A cold, hungry, crying infant will stir a mother’s
compassion. The mother will then act in the child’s life to do what it cannot
do on its own. Obviously, the mother’s graciousness toward the child has
nothing to do with forgiveness or the legal expunging of sins. Likewise, the
Lord is gracious toward us every time he acts in our lives not merely when he
forgives us.
3. A devotional on God’s grace by Jim Sells PhD
To fully understand relational grace in marriage, we first need to understand God’s grace in His relationship with us. Most of the time, grace refers to blessings, favor or gifts freely given by God to humanity. In John chapter 1, grace is seen in the embodiment of Jesus. Jesus’ grace are found in two kinds of gifts—the gift of salvation and the gift of creation. Creative grace is seen in John 1:10 which states that “the world was made through him”—a gift through the act of creation that was not merited. Then, right afterwards, vs. 13 declares a different type of grace, the saving grace, in describing those who are “born of God.” First He created us, then He saved us.
God’s saving grace is the central theology of the Christian life. God’s grace is the foundation from which another grace can be constructed. The unmerited gift of grace carries a response. Our response as Christians is gratitude and serving Christ throughout our lives. Recall again Karl Barth’s understanding of Trinity and the dance of perichoresis among the three persons of the Godhead. The Trinity relationship shows us many qualities that the trinity shares as gifts to each other. These include unity, individuality, equality, love, collaboration, and creativity. There is a constant giving as the Trinity acts in an individual, equal, collaborative, creative manner ---that is the Father, Son, and Holy spirit are constantly giving to each other. These are the gifts of grace; such gifts are given in a way that does not relinquish the individuality, equality, love, collaboration or creativity, but rather enhances them.
God not only loves within the Trinity in a perfect dance, He then goes a step farther, his love grows to where it no longer is internal—within the Trinity—but becomes external in God loving humans and creation. This love of creation has its ultimate conclusion at the cross as described by Paul in Romans 5:8 (NIV), “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” This type of self-denying love is the example that Jesus instructed his followers to imitate. Christ-followers are to love others as Jesus has loved them. I John 4:19 reads: “We love because he first loved us.” (NIV). We are to love in the way that God loves God and in the way that God loves us. This becomes the grand image of marriage—the bride and groom are to love each other like the Trinity loves, and like Christ loved the Church.
4. A devotional on the word Charis- Grace by Jim Sells PhD
The Greek word charis is related to many words in English which have essential relevance to marriage.
We start with Grace—Charis. Then Charisma—the Gift. Then Joy—Chara. And we end with Gratitude—Eucharis (Those from the Catholic tradition might recognize the word Eurchrist as the sacrament of grace—“communion” in protestant circles. The Bread and Wine of the Lord’s Supper is the telling of God’s grace story for us. Today, we would like you to contemplate this progression—Grace, Gift, Joy, Thankfulness.
Sit with your eyes closed for 3 minutes. Visualize your “rough spots”. All of them. Maybe like me, your first rough spot is the arrogance that comes from believing that you don’t have rough spots, or that your rough spots are so minor compared to those around you that they are not even worth mentioning. YUK! You and I can start right there… Indeed, consider your short temper, stinging sarcasm, subtle deceptions, an embittered spirit or style, jealousies which are experienced by others as pettiness. Embrace them all. . .
Make a list Yes. Write them down Notice that when we write we might be inclined to either soften or exaggerate our ugliness. Maybe it reads like: “sometimes others may have been hurt by my. . .” or
Read the list.
Watch for the thought, “Oh, but I would never have to be …or do,,, or show… if (Person X) had not…or didn’t…)
Now consider the statement: “It is easy to give grace when I recall how much I need it!” There is and humorous saying that parallels this exercise: “The smell of our own body odor is not nearly as offensive to us as it is to others”. That means that to be with you and me, others have to accept and accommodate significant characteristics which are, let’s say “less than fragrant”.
That is a gift…Dwell on it.
Third, turn to Chara—Joy! Don’t you love to watch children dancing?! They are not yet caught in adult trappings of sufficiency. They just dance. Grace leads to dancing…both with our feet and our souls. The thought of grace—having received a great gift, inspite of being imperfect, flawed and at times difficult to love. That is a thought worthy of meditation.
I am loved, accepted and sufficient—because of Grace—even in the areas where I am not. Stay here. Absorb this thought…and hope this idea on your spouse who might find it just as difficult to receive as you are right now.
Finally, Grace is to become thankful. Gratitude is refreshing. Its magnetic. Grateful people are leaders over distance. Controlling angry people can get others to do their bidding in the short term (mainly as a means of controlling their negativity. But people don’t naturally stay in relationship with the relationally ugly! Grateful people are beautiful—that is they pass beauty on to others. Its refreshing to be with them.
Show gratitude. . .But be careful, overtime it becomes contagious.
Imagine your spouse’s world -- the challenges they are facing, the people and tasks, their struggles and worries, the hopes they have for the day. What is it like place yourself in their shoes? What do you feel? Pray for your spouse’s challenges, worries and hopes.
5. A short reading on “Grace Supplied”
Where does grace come from? Why is it that some can exhibit the hard reality of grace, and experience the healing of its touch . . . and others are just hardened? Sadly, I have been in the presence of couples whose marriage felt graceless. There was no gift between them and there was no gift within them. I have often wondered, from where does the grace come?
In Christianity, extending grace towards others is possible because grace has already been received. "But by the grace of God, go I" is the reminder that I have been touched by the healing power of grace and so, I can give that touch to those in need. The grace of God empowers us to act gracefully towards others. “We love others because he first loved us.” I have received the gift. That gift has made me secure. Now, I can give to others out of my “wealth.”
But grace also exists outside of the Christian tradition. It is the most salient factor for all relationships: Christian or otherwise, marital, professional, or collegial. As in Christianity, the gift of marital grace must come from a previous experience of grace. I have never seen grace self-generated. It is passed from person to person. We receive it, learn from it, allow it to change us and extend it to others. Some are able to experience a model of grace from childhood on. They are raised in homes where the marriage works. The parents love each other, and exhibit that love in a mature and consistent manner. Those who are not so fortunate must learn of grace from other relationships.